Monday nights I teach 1st grade religion class at our Parish's Catholic School. I'm not naming the school out of fear....not because I want to protect anyone, except myself I guess.
I teach in a 1st grade classroom and the standard rule for the kids is "don't touch anything" perfectly OK. I bring in all my own extra's in addition to what the Religious Ed office provides me with. These kids are 6 years old and have had a full day of class' so I try to make my class fun and easy. They have a limited attention span at 6:30-8pm. I don't give homework, we color, craft and play fun games like Bible Bingo, Noah's Ark matching, Bible Baseball etc. I give them candy. They are learning everything they need to in a fun environment. I started with 7 kids...now I have 12...12, 6 year olds...tired 6 year olds . I also have an assistant. Some kids asked to be transferred to my class cause I am the fun teacher..yes, yes I am
This crazy ass day teacher keeps leaving these notes in my mailbox..OMG!!
after the 1st week I got a note saying her red and black dry erase markers were missing. I look in my tote and I see 2 markers (school provided all that stuff so Im not sure what is what) With a note I leave them on her desk...that I steer clear off...in fact I sit on a teeny tiny little 6 year old chair and my knees are higher then my teeny tiny table
The nest week I get another note in my box with the 2 markers that simply said "these are not dry erase"
well ok...whatever...then I don't have them
The 3rd week I get a note that says:
When you leave make sure at the 2 yellow tables there are 3 blue chairs, at the remaining tables leave 4 red and/or blue chairs
"Oh for Christ's sake!"
Whatever, I put the little stick'em in my binder.
We decide to make Advent wreaths for Advent....the paper candles are not standing upright and the glue is a drippy gooey mess. Me and My Assistant start stapling...
YES WITH SATAN'S STAPLER...SEND ME TO HELL ALREADY.
We use all of Satan's staples. I ask C my asst to go to the office and find replacement staples.
C fills the staplers and they are put back in the exact spot
Needless to say we go around and pick up every scrap of paper, wipe down all the desks. Put correct colored chairs on correct effing tables (every week)
The Catholic guilt brings me back to my childhood Catholic School experience. Old school...our nuns wore habits and as God is my witness, Sister Juanita had a limp from Polio...she was as mean as a snake. This lay teacher doesn't scare me
3 days later I get a call from the religious ed director
"Ms so and so just called me and she was quite upset because there was glue stuck in both of her staplers and she had to wash them"
I apologize and tell her about all my notes and what great lengths we go to not to put Ms so and so over the edge
F the director tells me "she doesn't seem to share very well and these classrooms belong to the parish not her"
BOOYAH!! take that Satan!!!
We still go to great lengths to leave that classroom spotless and fear there maybe a hidden camera (joke). I get hives if I take a tissue for fear they may be counted.
Last night I had a surprise for my kids. I popped 3 bags of popcorn brought in Veggie Tales and The Story of Noah's Ark VHS tapes for them to watch in the dark. They were so cute and just loved it. Veggie tales is really funny...just saying. It is also great because my Asst was a no show.
With 15 min left of class I turn on lights and almost threw up!
Popcorn and seeds all over the "reading rug"
I have all the kids pick up what they can and what is left?
1000's of little clear seed covers all over...those little bastards that get stuck in your teeth
Well they're stuck in the rug
I frantically search for a broom...Nothing!
There is a little closet behind the teachers desk with the door slightly ajar, with a pounding heart I open it...Damn just wipes and extra supplies. I close the door and immediately think Mother F#%&@r!! The door was ajar because it automatically locks..I'm screw'd
The 1920 creepy dark Catholic schools...hopefully she has a key
Score!! I find a child size hand broom and dust pan in the "play area"
So while the kids are watching the end of the movie. I am down on all 4's sweeping little clear seed things into the dustpan all the while kinda moving kids as I go along.
With a pounding heart I try to get every last one. Then it hits me
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, am I insane? This crazy teacher has me acting like a fool. A couple boys try to kick some seed covers off the rug (hide them, go for it) and leave mud on the rug.
I'M DONE, DONE DONE!
As we leave the classroom to head outside to meet the parents for pickup I notice the entire room smells little microwave popcorn. I calmly shut the door to trap in the aroma
I anticipate and look forward to a nasty note in my box
Where is the Christian Love I ask? Can't we all just get along?
this is my 3rd year teaching and never have I had a teacher as neurotic and this one
I will admit that next week my heart will pound walking into the office to retrieve my mail. Sister Juanita all over again. Catholic schools scare me...crosses all over, multiple Jesus pictures and statues with the red flaming heart...scary stuff!
and Satan sitting at her desk